Run No. 931
Date: 28 July 2000
Where: Mandai Lake Road Track 15
Hares: White Chinaman and Condom
I wasn't as brave as Rusty Tits, who trekked 2 hours cross country. (What the hell was he doing going via Pasir Ris?!! Never follow this guy on a hash run) All to avoid getting a cab. (Tight bastard! - Ed.) I arrived to find a faintly discomfited group of hashers quite sure we were going to be incarcerated for ignoring the "Protected Area! Military Personnel Only! You Vill Be Shot on Sight!" notices at the entrance to Track 15. We're nothing if not intrepid - or maybe just can't read.
The hares were not there. Bad sign. Still the trail was obvious, even if some intellectually challenged members were heard to mutter darkly - "Could be the in trail." Duh! If it had been the in trail the hares would have been back. Got it? Oh. never mind. Wasting me time.
A great run - quality, not quantity, being the order of the day. A rather public leg-over under the gate by Stuffy and Quicksand enlivened the start. I'll get back to that. Then it was all track and jungle, and a positively ferocious drain that showed us all what it was like to be a blind troglodyte, knuckles brushing on the floor. (No point putting those long words in - Coo Chi Coo hasn't received his newsletter for weeks - Ed.) I lost the use of my hand for several hours afterwards owing to Tiny Twinkie's (I'm just giving the Spell Check a chance to strut his stuff) panic-stricken grip (what do you do with your right hand to make it that strong TW?) and the experience was made all the more - er - memorable by a dead rat - or something too horrible even to consider - landing on my back at one point, causing me to utter a foul oath. Crikey, I think it was. At that stage almost wished I were back in the 2-hour queue at immigration, but - no - on balance, give me the dead rat.
I was running for quite a while with the not so mystery Mystery Mystery Whoop. (Hey, you try putting mystery into a sentence three times consecutively, still being grammatically correct!) Not Tonight winked and grinned at me in highly conspicuous fashion every time she spotted a worthy offence. I thought I'd give the eager beaver (don't even think about it!) a hand by giving Stuffy a hand (I'm not telling you where!) in the drain, thus providing her with even more ammunition. Surprisingly, that never made it to the circle. What is husband -wife communication coming to these days!!? (Nice bum, Stiffy.)
But, as usual, I digress.
The run was a lean, mean 50 minutes for me. The returning Machine (welcome back!) did it twice. Of course. Dingle "I Came Second"(!!!) Virus/Berry, working on having the largest selection of hash names ever, ran like a gazelle, unencumbered by disappearing guests this week.
Back at the run site, I was castigated (No point - CCC's not listening - Ed.) oh, all right, scolded by Poser for not mentioning the fact that she and Astronut were also at the old farts' table at last week's on-on. So, for the record, Poser wants it to be known formally that she's an old fart too. Have I got it right this time? You can't please anybody, you know. Buggles (Ha! Spell Check!) tells me that Saliva will never talk to me again since I included her in that category. And as a quintessential old fart, he should know… (Oops, foot in mouth again! Sorry, Bilges!)
Twinkie Winky came to share the ever-hospitable Ripper's shower with me. Hold a guy's hand and they think they own you…
Oh yes, the circle. Sorry. I do get distracted.
Astronut managed to award the now present hares with the good run accolade despite churlish calls of "TOO SHORT!" from the macho brigade, who obviously do think that length matters. White Chinaman announced Mr. Ho's on-on of roast lamb - Spider is always grateful for the bone - (Aren't we all! - Ed.) and a generous free beer.
Boo is one of the initiators if next week's run at the Tanglin - er - Serangoon Country club. Apparently, Ring Pull's earwax problem is becoming critical, 'cos that was the way she heard it. Boo tried to avoid punishment for the mistake by braying "I'm a lawyer!" - but of course that didn't help and he had to down-down. The on-on apparently is focused on various animal extremities such as pigs' trotters, ducks' feet, frogs' gonads etc. I think I might be away next Friday…
Virgin Sean was duly humiliated.
Returnees invited into the circle were Uncle Milti, Hot To Trot, and the indefatigable Machine.
Ring Pull, keeping in line the unruly elements that kept trying to tell her her job, called in some visitors, most of whom we have seen before - Slippery Nipples, Nonok from Penang, Itchy Balls, and Tracy from the Kampong Hash.
She then called in our new member Jan Melton - who is obviously not here for the beer since it took her until the end if July to finish her measly quarter pint.
Time for the Hare Whip. White Chinaman, in a flagrant breach of etiquette, fair play etc., turned Benedict Arnold and whipped his co-hare, Condom, for conducting so much business on his handphone that it took them an hour extra to lay the trail. (You just keep selling those semiconductors, mate - I've got money in there!)
Fixated by handphones, he went on to finger all those people he'd tried to call (to inform them of the delay) who had them turned off - mostly in the back of RP's car - RP herself, Indy and Itchy Balls.
Something now about Hungry Bum being misled by Astronut. Like, who hasn't he misled? Anyway, she went the wrong way, and Astronut had to take the charge.
Ring Pull proceeded to give out the awards. Some people just can't get it together. Getting a milestone t-shirt usually involves:
A) taking off your own shirt to reveal
B) a fetching bit of whimsically humorous lingerie, particularly if you're a bloke, and
C) donning your milestone t-shirt
Well, it didn't go quite like that.
Kaisu Lion, having clocked up a respectable 50 runs, became extremely unrespectable in the circle as Ring Pull attempted to get in the t-shirt with him. He ended up with it on back to front. Dead cool.
Down Under was miffed because she hadn't had time to prepare a "Tits Out for the Boys" outfit and refused to wear the t-shirt at all. (Nothing new then? - Ed.)
Astronut, showing a peculiar and unusual modesty, donned his 200 runs t-shirt over his existing one.
Back to school, chaps.
Milestones over with, it was Whip time. Mystery Whip Rusty Tits belied his macho "Look-at-me-I-don't-wear-a-shirt-and-I've-got-a-nipple-ring" persona by being a bit of a girlie and charging Bouncer with - oooh! - pushing him in the water. And then pulling his pigtails. Nasty Bouncer! So rough, lah!
Dingleberry/Virus was fairly charged for the "I came second! Yippee!" boast. (No come jokes? - Ed) No. Been there, done that.
Then came a false charge about Sunday marathon runners. Over Impossible's cry of "I was in bed!" RT moved topics without using the clutch and whipped him for not being on the marathon. Aw, shucks, give the boy a chance. He tried.
The less than mystery Mystery Mystery Whip, Not Tonight, started off by calling in a bemused Quicksand and making her lie down so that Stuffy could do it again. Stuffy and Quicksand lay end to end. (Lots of kindly advice here from the circle about what was amiss with their respective sex lives - Front Arse exclaiming - "So that's what I've been doing wrong!") This was to demonstrate their gate assignation at the run's start. Sybil, of course, tried to mount everything in sight. Astronut provided Stiffy with a token member in the guise of a beer bottle, which Stuffy gleefully tucked under his sarong - (I think I'd better stop there. My parents read this, for God's sake!) But it carried on - and I must be true to the tale. Not Tonight called in a vanished Pick Up for having something unpleasant in her shorts (been there, done that too!) and having whatever it was removed by Hungry Burma and Barf Wader. And your scribe was whipped for the totally innocuous comment of - "I prefer black ones but can only afford white ones." When your dirty little minds have stopped jumping to conclusions, see the end of this report…. Then for some reason Rooning Shit got into the act and we were entertained (Disgusted, more like - Ed.) by the sight of a troilism sandwich involving Stuffy, Sybil and Rooning Shit. Too horrible to report, I tell you. You don't want to know.
Prick of the Week was Big Hammer. Sorry - that came out wrong.
POW was presented by Big Hammer. He obviously had worked on his presentation as he called out Quicksand, the prick hidden in his pocket, only to be challenged by Ring Pull in her Alpha Female "I'm in charge here!" mode. "You aren't Prick of the Week!" Well, he was, so RP gathered her shreds of dignity (don't worry, RP - Free Willy's back this weekend) and gave him the floor. Anyway, Quicksand was wearing the fat frog T-shirt (by arrangement?) and BH's story was about a news report that suggests that if you lick the sweat off a frog it cures depression - but once you stop it gets depressed again. (Har har!) Ring Pull got the down-down.
Chastity Belt showed his feminine side by being quite choked with having to part with the Pussy. He's been looking after her all week and was desolate at the thought of parting. He reported the fantasies of a female Malaysian singer. Firstly, she fantasizes about sex in the morning - predictable response from the circle here. Particularly from Astronut, Slippery Nipples, and most vocally, Machine. Secondly, she fantasizes about G-strings. And finally she fantasizes about having sex with five men. So, apparently, does virgin Sean. Well, that's the way I heard it. Do we really want this man back again? Well, he's got the Pussy now, so I suppose we will have to be tolerant. And Chastity Belt is just fantasizing about her fantasizing. And I'm just fantasizing about Chastity Belt fantasizing about…(Oh shut up! - Ed.)
AOB (Thank God!) CCC laid himself wide open (!) by asking the circle "Doesn't it piss you off when people are better at things than you?" - leading to the inevitable cries of "Better looking than you!" "Taller than you!" etc. At Lynxx's on-on, apparently someone not only sang better that he did but was also nerdy enough to know all the works to "Copa Cabana". (So do you - Ed.) Traitor - it's a Colbar song! So Condom gave us a demonstration, cut off in its prime by the jeering masses, who just don't recognise true art when it shows itself! Philistines.
On to Mr. Ho's wagon. Where I asked for and got my usual bone. (Oh, you lot are so predictable!) At least I have a dog, which is more that can be said for the impoverished Rusty Tits who took his bone under extremely false pretences, and then proceed to demolish it so completely that there wasn't enough left to provide snack for a starving vulture. I love a man with no pride.
Only thing about an on-site on-on - it ends so quickly. After begging a lift to something approaching civilization, I managed to cram into the rest of the night a huge traffic jam, a search for the loo in Raffles City with Dinglevirus, an MRT trip, a stop at a hawkers' center to see one group of friends, a trip to the Colbar where I had to fend off the attentions (it still happens - honest!) of a recent arrival on the estate, and a "let's-have-a-few-nightcaps" on-on-on-on. Does this scribe have stamina or what? Oh, don't be mean. I thought it was quite impressive….
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