Run

These hashers met up at the run site in Jalan Lam Sam, everybody met in time at 06 o’clock. The Grant Mistress called the start of the run. No! Stop and hold on, what’s now? Some delay, it’s already 06.05.

The pack was waiting. Kan Not Kan the hare, very exhausted, looked like just came out of the mud and kept searching for his co-hare. She was still missing! Kan The Kobra, finally she arrived: “oh, I got lost!”

We started to run along the Expressway besides the drain. Comes Quietly in front called quietly: “T-check!” Sorry, false call!

The pack moved on again and reached another canal which was estimated two meter deep. We were constrained to climb down the high wall. One by one we took our turn going down. But some runners tried to short cut. Goody Bag got stuck on a big pipe, hanging on it looking inside and didn’t know what to do. Herr Zipp tried to help her, from behind and below. Oh, oh, I can’t see people suffer like this! So I moved on.

These challenging climbing exercises caused all of us to stretch far away from each other.

Autsch…. Slack Arse struggled while running in the canal and dropped. I guess he got a slight injury but as he was such a brave heart, he went through the whole run.

We crossed a small jungle field, run along a road and the trail led us into a swampy part of the jungle. Of course, since I’m Ayam Zinking I sank into the smelly mud up to my upper legs. At the end of this track which was an anti clock wise loop, this little group of us reached the same road again and then we recognized we did the loop in the wrong direction. So I wondered, was it the only one circle-check on this run?

Thereafter the trail led us towards Jurong Road and back into the jungle. Then we slid down to a very steep slope. I heard Sly Dog saying: oh, we need a sleigh! I guess he forgot we need snow too!

The Grand Mattress, Deep Throat, opens the circle by announcing that Running Shit will be the Mystery GM for the night.

The GM calls in the hares, Kan Not Kan and Kan The Kobra. Was the run a muddy run or a bloody run? Despite the lack of Czechs (only 2 checks in 9 km), it was declared a bloody good run.

Virgins: Diana, Elaine (Sexy Too) (claimed virgin status – must be hash amnesia)

Visitors: Grace (second week in a row we have visitors from Shanghai), Ah Beng, Heli and two others

Coo Chi Coo gets to keep it because he forgot to bring it with him. His excuse was that he left it in his old car, and didn’t transfer it to his new Lexus. Must be hash amnesia – runs in the family.

The Mystery GM then calls in the Mystery Whip – but wait a minute – we’re supposed to have the Hare Whip next.

Kan Not Kan brings Cunt Dracula into the circle and gives him a “quickie” – apparently the down-down is because Cunt Dracula was impatient

Kan The Kobra, the co-hare, steps in to give the hare a charge; according to the birthday girl he made a complete ass of the run.

Another flurry of charges sees the acting GM and Grand Mattress both called in for unwarranted advice and for not knowing the date.

Next in were Tiger Lily and Ah Beng. Since Tiger Lily has already fucked-off, Cock Tease is brought in as a look-a-like. It seems that these two front running bastards ran seriously fast tonight covering the 9km hash in 52 minutes. This is despite certain infirmities. Ah Beng has been suffering with plantar fasciitis (a Latin term meaning sore foot, not to be confused with Planter’s peanuts which doesn’t mean sore nuts), and Tiger Lily suffering - just suffering from being Tiger Lily.

Loose Change – doesn’t have much to say, but brings in Slack Arse who went off to Shanghai and brings back a little bit (Grace, the visitor) to the hash. Apparently they don’t sing on the Shanghai hash – so we’ll have to give her a Grace note.

Next in is In And Out this “young man” was doing a little something in the bushes and out came a wild boar. He is charged with saving the ladies from being bored in the bush.

Circle Jerk & Eleven are cited for child/animal abuse for having left their new born in the capable paws of Tough Nuts, their dog.

Blood Shit steps in and tells us about how he ended up as tonight’s Mystery Mystery Whip – it was the result of a perfect mental storm. On the hash it is not uncommon for hashers to occasionally forget something. For instance, the Grand Mistress may, on occasion, forget who she asked to be the MMW. This is usually not a problem because the MMW knows who he is and just steps in. Ah...but occasionally the forces of nature come together in mysterious and awesome ways and both the Grand Mattress and the MMW forget. This is the reason why Deep Throat and Stash are given a down-down.

Blood Shit was introduced to Coo Chi Coo’s sister, Sexy Too, and soon found out that she has a real mean streak. It turns out that when they came upon a check marked with flour, Sexy Too asked Blood Shit “What is the flour for?” “To mark the trail so the hasher cam find their way back”, he replied. She then proceeded to sweep the flour in a different direction...she’s the meanest.

Finally, Blood Shit hauls Hoo Ray in – good call. Hoo Ray was spotted doing his pre-hash warm-up exercises – extremely strenuous. Sexy Too was brought back in because she used to be a fitness instructor, and when she saw Hoo Ray doing his thing, she asked Coo Chi Coo if he could do “this.” “This” being a stretch where the foot is brought over the head. “Sure”, he says as he’s falling down in the attempt. CCC ends up with a down-down for failing to keep up with his sister.

Sexy Too can’t seem to find her way out of the circle and invites Iron Crotch in to help her serenade her brother. The duet is sung to “Jef–fer–rey” and includes a newly written verse to our usual down-down song ending with the punch line “...he wouldn’t buy her the T-shirt, so she went the other way!”

The Grand Mattress recognizes several hashers for milestone awards. Receiving just desserts (actually no desserts, just certificates) tonight are: Coo Chi Coo (1100 runs), Quickie (700 runs), Saliva (600 runs), Wonton (500 runs), and Running Shit (500 runs).

Not Tonight takes the floor and poses the question: “Are there any intelligent Australians?” [It would be a really cheap shot to say that that is an oxymoron, so I won’t do it.] “..University graduates?” In come Coo Chi Coo, Comes Quietly and Ripper. Not Tonight tells us about a group of Marine Researchers who were out in a boat studying great white sharks. They thought it was a good idea to feed the sharks sardines. Lo and behold lots of sharks like sardines. In particular there was a 30-foot long great white who really liked the sardines and decided to land in the boat itself causing the craft to capsize. Our Darwin Award candidates, all of whom were Australian university graduates, had to be rescued. Here’s to the geniuses.

Kan Not Kan calls in Sexy Too – he’s been staring at her chest all night and has finally realized that her shirt says Austria and not Australia. He should have given himself a down-down for not keeping abreast – of geographical developments, that is.

Circle Jerk takes the opportunity to thank the hash for the gift basket that was sent on the occasion of Natalie’s birth. There are still a few things left from the basket that Tough Nut hasn’t eaten yet. He tells us that they have been having an easy time of it except for the first night when Natalie wouldn’t stop crying. Eleven asked; "What do we do?"Easy answer – she’s a hasher we’ll wrap her in a hash t-shirt.

There were three hash shirts at hand - one from Astronut’s run, one from Aye Aye’s run and one form Bully’s run (CCC brought in as look-a-like.) In true Goldilocks fashion, each of the three shirts was tried. First was Aye Aye’s shirt – no effect, probably had some thistles stuck to it. Next was Bully’s shirt – again no effect – what do you expect – it’s just Bull-shirt. Finally, Astronut’s shirt did the trick, Natalie liked it and it kept her quiet. Moral of the story; if you want to keep a female quiet give her...

In And Out heard the sound of a poor lost creature in distress, not a wild boar this time, but rather a Harriet stuck in the mud up to her diddleywhatsit. It’s the maiden known as Cock Tease. But not to worry, a chivalrous hasher steps into the breach, none other than the noble Chastity Belt. He offers her his hand...she reaches out to him...he looks down at her little hand...it’s covered with mud...he backs up...she grabs for him desperately...she has hold of his trousers...they are at half mast in no time..to be continued...

Having recovered from that close call, Chastity Belt tells us that when he was putting his car keys on the key tray a little Australian guy came elbowing his way through to put his new Lexus keys on the tray. Coo Chi Coo is suspected of having a Lexus key case with a Toyota key inside. He is given a down-down for waiting to buy a new Lexus when COE prices are at record levels.

Coo Chi Coo tells us about a survey done in Australia about babies crying. The results show that mothers can correctly tell what the baby wants (baby’s wet, it’s hungry, it’s too hot, etc.) 73% of the time. While men score 100% - “It wants its mother!”

Somebody said “Amen.”