Run Report by David Cox.

Lion City HHH Run 1508 – The Royal Wedding Run – Run Report

It was clear this would be a very British run . . . the beer wagon draped patriotically in Union Jacks, Dim Sum arriving on his bike sporting a red, white and blue helmet, and King Potato Head and Prince Wet Patch eloquently introducing the run in Queen’s English, and the Hash to ‘roundabouts’ (circle-checks for those who speak the more common tongue).  

Off we set down the Durian Loop, a regal start to the run but one royal fruit not likely to be on the Buck House menu later in the day!  A very quick T-check had the hash repeating itself (not unknown with durian) and heading off down the other side of the Loop.  Into a leafy glade and down the first of several hills before splashing through a bubbling brook.  A fast start to the run came to a shuddering halt with the pack facing a roundabout and two tunnels . . . left or right, to go or not to go?  Most of the pack milled around like the lesser relatives at a wedding waiting to be called for the extended family photo before Sleeps With Dogs called On On and the pack headed off down the left hand tunnel.  Siggy went charging past.

Through the stream, up the slope and into that terribly posh part of London, Mayfair (well, Mayfair Park actually but I am sure the residents think it is just as exclusive).  Encouragement from Razor that if you ran fast enough Prince Harry was still available seemed to spur on Tiger Lily, who charged through the trees overtaking TBA among others.  Siggy also went charging past, although in search of Harry or just to get to the front of the pack best ask him.

A roundabout had the pack once again milling around waiting for the tea and scones (sadly to no avail) before One-eyed Dimwit spotted the trail and led the pack onward arriving a short time later at Chestnut Road.  Fast downhill trails were followed by more sedate progress going uphill through the woods.  Cries of “Don’t give up the high ground” rang out from Left-handed Wanker and a few of the other more experienced Hashers, before the trail plunged back down hill along the Rock Trail and a scramble up the eponymous rocks in the trail name (memo to National Parks Board – they missed ‘Climbing’ from the name of the Trail).   Siggy went charging past once again . . . !

Out of the trees on to Tobacco Road and then the edge of the reservoir.  Shortcutters headed off along the reservoir while those keen to stretch their legs, or who didn’t know the area well enough to spot the short cut, zig-zagged up the road before heading back into the woodland.  A short, sharp climb up the Durian Loop brought us back to the beer wagon and the end of the trail. 

A jolly good run chaps . . . well done the hares.

Circle Report by Herr Zipp

Precisely at 19:57 the GM called the hares into the circle...

The hares arrived draped in flags: Mr. Potato Head in the Union Jack, and Wet Patch in St. George’s colours.  The run was declared a good one despite the fact that the hares have teeny weenie willies, or as it’s now called “Kate’s Curse.”

Virgins in – Slocum made them come.

Visitors in – too many to count

Returnees – 3: Dickless, Harvey Wallbanger, and Airborne

Hare Whip #1 - Mr. Potato Head –

Mr. Potato Head charges Shoeshopper. Tells her children learn what they live (?) Apparently when Wet Patch fell in Bukit Brown she told him to “get up, ya girlie!”  This is surely going to prove harmful to the impressionable Wet Patch. Down-down.

Hare Whip #2 – Wet Patch –

”30 years ago....” Wet Patch begins... at the time of another Royal Wedding he was engaged to be married, now he finds himself 30 years on engaged to be married once more – he still hasn’t figured it out yet.  Continuing he announces that “nobody can charge my Queen and get away with it.”  He calls Mr. Potato Head back into the circle. There’s speculation that Mr. Potato Head, in good NS tradition, has had his maid assist in preparing the toilet paper he used to set the trail.  It turns out that the sheets are in very neat 3-piece sections.  Query: were they numbered?  Answer: Just the first 500 or so. Mr Potato Head rolled his ankle during the setting of the Hash and stopped to “cool down” at one of the circle checks near a tunnel.  While cooling down he decided to take a piss in the tunnel.  This required Wet Patch to have to wait until the piss cleared the tunnel before proceeding.  For whizzing on the trail, Mr. Potato Head should be publically pissed on.

Wet Patch calls in Machine describing him as one of the nicest hashers I know – this is met with what sounded like the cast of Glee singing “Bullshit!”  He continues... Machine is a nice guy, but as my first two wives will attest, I tell lies.  But no lie here – Machine was a bit too clever tonight and guessed wrong as to which way the trail went – seems he was born beautiful.

Next, Wet Patch calls Cherry Picker in.  It looked like Cherry Picker was trying to be anti-loyalist tonight by showing up for the run in an Irish t-shirt, but not so since historically there have been Irish Queens.  Cherry Picker later changed into a German t-shirt which really puts him in solid as “Our Queen” is, in fact, German.  A down-down for the loyalist.

The Grand Mistress presents a thank-you bouquet, a leftover from the old committee, to Saliva who missed the AGM. An even better present is offered for missing the next AGM.

The Grand Master revives the “pumping condom” episode from last week (one more week and this becomes a club tradition.)  He can’t figure out how Wonton beat Deepthroat in the ballet of the Grand Mattresses. He correctly analyzes the situation and concludes it was a matter of wrong technique.  He calls upon the LCH3 resident bikemeister, Coo Chi Coo, to demonstrate the proper technique which, of course, is comprised of really short strokes. Despite the application of the correct stroke, Coo Chi Coo resorts to the same tactic as Wonton popping the condom, thus preventing lift-off as his inflating condom began to take on the characteristics of a zeppelin.

The Grand Master then reminds the circular mob that his hash name is Handbag and produces a colourful handbag emblazoned with the image of Mr. Potato Head.  Mr. Potato Head, still draped in The Union Jack, graciously accepts.

Mystery Whip – Sneaky Comer

Sneaky Comer explains how Great Britain has historically treated its colonies with arrogant disdain.  He brings in representatives from Singapore (Strapless), Australia (Shoeshopper), and the US (Slocum). Even though they are former colonies they are still treated with arrogant disdain. They have to endure the fookin’ Royal Wedding, and are banned from twittering at the wedding.  The colonial reps are serenaded with “All Australians are...” despite the fact that only one is Australian. Go figure.

The Grand Mistress asks if the crowd likes the T-shirts – they do – then proceeds to thank the sponsors: Recipricunt, Pinball Wizard, Wet Patch, TBA, Shaggy Dick Too, Stiffy, Not Tonight, Slack Arse, Loose Change, Belcher, Knickerless,Still, Krit, Handbag, In and Out, Mr. Potato Head, King Lear, Phoney Dick, Running Shit, Circle Jerk, Too Easy, Fat Crashing Bastard, Wankie Pooh, Chastity Bely, Penile Extension, David Cox, and Shoeless

Thanks to the folks who favoured us by funding the fine fashions.

The Prick – Ayam Kampong

Staying with the fashion theme, the Grand Master asks who has the prick? Ayam Kampong has the dark little fellow.  She presents us with a choice of two potential prick recipients: Iron Crotch and Saliva.  Ayam Kampong has come dressed tonight for the Royal Wedding.  She has been challenged by Saliva for failure to wear Hash attire.  Ayam Kampong eventually concedes to the fashion police and keeps the prick.  Both she and Kate will be sleeping with Willie tonight.

Mystery Mystery Whip – Penile Extension

Fashion continues to be the key as Penile Extension arrives in the circle in full regalia.   “Treasonous people to The Crown!”   While there was great support from the sponsors as earlier noted, there were a treasonous few who failed to show their support.  Into the circles comes Aye, Aye, Bagless, Shut The Fuck Up (Female version – by way of look-alike, Big Head), Ad Nauseum (in absentia) and Ugly Bum (look alike Saliva).  They have all failed to respond to the call to be sponsors, but worst of the lot is Ugly Bum who is sentenced to Hash death.  She’s deemed the most disloyal because she’s an Englishwoman with an Australian passport.  In comes the Jolly Hangman of Singapore (Slack Arse) to do the necessary.  This hangman comes with a broad sword fit for be-headin’ a broad. Saliva, in lieu of Ugly Bum is whacked.

Abandoning his prior persona, Penile Extension now calls for all Singaporeans, all Malays, all South Africans, all Canadians and all British.  Don’t know why but that left all the Americans standing around in a circle – so we sang the Star Spangled Banner, and God Bless America while we waited.  Those in the circle eventually joined in but got the words wrong, as usual – singing something about God Save The Queen (?) Note: we know nothing can save Queen now that Freddie is dead.

Gran Mistress calls in Queen Shoeshopper (wearing her tiara), David Cox (in his Union Jack shirt), King Lear (because we need some Hash royalty), and Cock Radio (in drag). This is to recognize those who really got into the spirit of the night.

AOB

 

TBA takes the floor. He calls in the Deepthroat, Too Good, Mother Mary and Eleven (11).  They were supposed to keep an eye on him while his wife was away – keep him from the Australian Bar in Orchard Towers.  But look what happened – he shows us a photo from the “News of the World” and under the headline “Hugh’s Secret Girl” is Princess of the Sloth with Hugh Grant.  He brings Princess of the Sloth and a Hugh Grant look-alike, Running Shit, into the circle.  Caught by the Papa Ratzy!!

The Grand Master notes that tonight is an historic occasion celebrating two young people in lust, but more importantly all of the beer is gone.

In and Out calls Deepthroat into the circle.  In and Out’s children presented him with two pairs of boxers, one white and one black (ed: I can feel a song coming on).   He shows us the black one that he’s wearing and points to Deepthroat’s shirt which is white with the same design as his missing pair. Here’s to the knickers knicker.

Cherry Picker heard the whispers going around about the tonight’s t-shirts, that they were quietly being distributed from a red car.  Big Head caught his eye as she was so eager to join the t-shirt queue that she jumped in mid-shower while still half naked and covered with soap foam.  Here’s to kiasu.

Coo Chi Coo asks the question of the night: What’s that noise coming from Deepthroat’s ass – it’s louder than what’s coming out her mouth.  He also remarks that the people who make condoms waste a lot of material by making them so big. Finally he calls Cunt Dracula in. This hasher, apparently a non-blonde, remarked that the hash was a loop.  For this Einsteinian remark he’s given a down-down.

The circle closes at 20:50.

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