AGM and Run Report by Comes Quietly

A Lion City AGM and a run from Tulip Gardens… This could be a challenging afternoon! How long will the meeting be and who will raise the matter of Leave of Absence\Absent Member this year? How will the hares manage to get us off road and keep us off road from Tulip Gardens?

The meeting got off to a brisk start with Phoney Dick chairing the meeting and tearing through the minutes faster than Shaggy Dick Too could say “This is thirsty work! When does the beer start?” The financials were presented by Impossible who, clutching the financial summary in his fist and with a sparkle in his eye shouted “They balance!!”  After this climax, he collapsed back into his chair with a big smile on his face. Such are the joys of Hash Cash!  Well done, Impossible!  Wonton then thanked various people for their help throughout the year, including Saliva for all her help behind the scenes, but the biggest cheer went to Aye Aye for managing to keep Saliva away from the meeting, thus keeping it short. Before we knew it, the meeting was over in a record 15 minutes with still an hour to go before the run! There’s only so much water and 100Plus a person can drink so a few anarchists had a toast to Aye Aye. The Front Swilling Bastards were drinking us into financial oblivion already! Where is Saliva when you need her!

To the run. How were the hares going to keep us off road? We started off south along Farrer Road\Queensway, then over a foot bridge, up into Holland Park (actually a road, not a park) where we had our first check. While the rest of us ran around like chooks with our heads cut off, Ob Noxious stood there bellowing “Check it out!” so that he could determine where to short cut next, and eventually Shaggy called On. Into the greenery we went. Ah, the smell of trees, wildlife…and beer fumes! Through some greenery we went and onto Ridout Road, across Pierce Road (where there may have been a check…) and into the back of Dempsey. Up onto Dempsey Road near the restaurants and bars where another check was found and down onto the football pitch, across the pitch, up onto the hill to smell the flowers… - Ya gotta smell the flowers along the way, Stash and Machine! -  and onto the next check. A couple of us went along a schmelly drain towards the former driving range but On was heard back across the former cricket pitch. Up along Loewen Road, through Harding Road car park and.. Ahhh, the wide open spaces, the smell of grass and trees and… beer fumes… Hashers frolicked in the fields (AKA a circle check and Hashers running around like chooks with their heads cut off...) until eventually C*nt Dracula called On along a slippy drain which lead us onto Tanglin Hill (which is a hill and a road. Along Tanglin Hill we went but unfortunately some of the Lion City folks can’t tell the difference between Lion City trail and Monday Hash trail so off they went into the deserted house off Tanglin Hill and back to Harding Road car park! The rest of us went onto Ridley Park (which is actually a road and not a park) to another check, with On being called onto Tanglin Road for about 1 km and then onto Holland Road for 3kms allllllllllllllllllllllll the way back home. Some of us thought it must go into the Botanical Gardens, if not to get us off the roads then at least for a good perve (Coochy!), but it was not to be. Anyway, apart from the roads it was quite a good run and a great day was had by all! A big thank you to the hares, to the 2010/2011 Committee and to the Glasers for hosting the AGM run. Cheers and On On!

Circle Report by Herr Zipp

Promptly at 19:38, GM Handbag, representing the new committee, calls in the hares. Representing the old committee are hares: Cock Radio, Penile Extension & Circle Jerk.  Based principally on the fact that tonight’s trail overlapped the Monday hash, and much of their paper was still out there causing mass confusion and hysteria, a vociferous round of “Hash Shit” was heard.  Cock Radio calls for a recount, but, of course the constitution does not allow for such a democratic process.  Amidst the confusion in the circle, Strapless enters to add his two cents however he was a penny short having forgotten what he was about to say.  He was immediately told to STFU, and given a down-down.

Next our sole virgin, Gillian, was brought in.  This virgin had attracted quite a bit of attention up to this point.  The GM clarified that someone indeed had made her come, but her response was inaudible (to me anyway.)  Handbag, sensing that this virgin was a clever lass, asked her if she knew the difference between an apple and a penis.  When she replied “no”, she was cordially invited to nibble on his apple later. 

Returnees Black Widow, Bird Shit & Malfunktion are given a down-down.

Hare Whip – Cock Radio invites Handbag back to the circle and charges him with virgin abuse – he’s a mean mistreater.

Cock Radio chooses Penile Extension as his next victim.  It seems that there was a bit of rain during the setting of the hash, and two-thirds of the hares were careful about where they placed the marks – on dry land.  No so for Penile Extension as he was observed casually tossing flour in puddles along Holland Road.  But this was not the end of charges against Penile Extension, it seems that even when he hit a dry spot it was on trees, at eye level, and in such a way that anyone driving to the hash had no trouble seeing the marks before the hash started. 

Finally, Cock Radio notes that there was a long stretch heading back to home.  On that stretch there was a circle check outside of the Botanic Gardens which any experienced hasher, particularly one who has run over 1000 hashes, should have recognized as a false trail.  But no, Coo Chi Coo fell for it and took the detour.  He was accused of seeking something yummy in the Botanic Gardens.

Handbag asks Trash into the circle where she is honoured as a hero for assisting him in navigating his way to a taxi stand the night before. 

The Grand Mistress, Deepthroat, steps in to inquire about next week’s run.  Hare Wet Patch explains that it will be at Jalan Kampong Chantek and will commemorate the Royal Wedding and Shakespeare’s birthday and St. George’s Day.  

Handbag brings in the old committee who are given an appropriate send-off.  At least it sounded something like “send-off” from where I was sitting, but I may be mistaken. 

CHALLENGE #1:Cock Radio is singled out and given the task of downing a yard-of-Carlsburg – which he does without noticeable spillage – commendable!

CHALLENGE#2: Wonton vs. Deepthroat in what will, no doubt, be a demonstration sport in the London Olympics next year: former Grand Mistress against the new Grand Mistress in a contest of condom inflation.  Although mismatched, Wonton having been given the smaller (hand) pump, she nevertheless showed how to blow a penis cover out of the ballpark using a very vigorous hand action.

The Grand Master then presented the Grand Mistress with a consolation prize.  Something he describes as a “fuck-me” hat.  It looked very much like a feather duster. Loose Change commented to me that the thing was actually called a “fascinator”.  She was quite correct, I found it fascinating.

Mystery Whip – TBA

TBA pointed out that between Circle Jerk and Eleven, one was pregnant.  The question posed is what to name the little tyke?  A number of possible combinations were considered ..what would other hash couples do in their place?  Reciprocunt and Pinball Wizard, or Cock Radio and Shaggy Dick Too, or better still DIY and Shut the Fuck Up, whose offspring would surely be called “Fuck Yourself.”  Of course, Cock Radio & Shaggy Dick Too would need the assistance of a surrogate mother, Shoeshopper.   And how would you be able to tell which baby was the product of gay love?  At the hospital, all the babies were screaming but the one on the end.  “That’s the gay love baby”, said the nurse, “just wait ‘til I take the thermometer out of his ass.”

Mystery Mystery Whip – Hoo Ray

This was big hashing weekend, a number of folks travelling to places like Laos & Malacca for special hash events. Three hashers travelled to Laos for the Ballbreaker: Strapless, Machine & G-String.  However Strapless was the only one to complete the distance as Machine & G-String hopped into a pick-up truck.  The short cutters were given a down-down.

Next Hoo Ray picked on a poor defenceless person who lost his voice at dinner last night and had to revert to grunts to order another drink.  Herr Zipp was given a down-down.

The Prick - Handbag 

Handbag has been in possession of The Prick for quite some time now.  In sports it is not uncommon for repeat winners to be given permanent ownership of the championship trophy.  Handbag is nearing the point where permanent placement is imminent. And so again this week he comes close to keeping it as he tells us that on his way to Malacca,as he approached Malaysian Customs, he reached under his seat for his credentials and comes up with The Prick. But he won’t be keeping it after all.  He calls in all of the Malaysians.  There are only two who admit to it.  Handbag also tells us that on this same trip he was stopped by the Malaysian police and they extorted 100 ringgits on a phoney charge of speeding. For representing the pay-as-you-go police, Ayam Kampong is awarded The Prick.

AOB

 

SloCum asks the question: “What has Cock Radio has been doing since before the AGM started?”  Answer: he’s been chatting up the virgin all night long.  Guilty as charged. 

The Grand Mistress calls in the new Asst. Hash  Cash, Public Zipp, into the circle.  PZ failed to give the visitors list to GM so the visitors could be properly introduced. This failure of protocol is corrected.

Coo Chi Coo produces a copy of a front page photo from his favourite publication, the Pulitzer prize-losing Straits Times.  He tells us that his photo was on the front page a year ago [but doesn’t mention exactly what he was arrested for] and now again this year.  However his image is somewhat obscured by another hasher who was blocking him out with her big mouth.  The pictorial evidence is matched with all in the circle until an exact match is found in Jack-Off.

CCC then brings Shaggy Dick Too in.  Apparently Shaggy was in a competition and could have had a much better result if he hadn’t stopped to piss along the way. It’s a government rule: he ought to be bloody-well shot.

Next up, Black Widow engages in some shameless advertising for her newly opened bar in Hong Kong.  It seems that a number of hashers including Poser, Astronut, Impossible, Kan Not Kan, Wonton, Stash, Stiffy, Not Tonight and Comes Quietly all paid a visit during the HK Sevens weekend.  When asked how he found it, Comes Quietly had only a fuzzy recollection of it – it was very late into a looong weekend.

And for the grudge charge, Black Widow goes after Penile Extension who failed on his promise to post the bar’s address in the newsletter.  [Black Widow please take note: the new editor will gladly prostitute himself in exchange for a few free beers – send address.]

Circle Jerk rounds up his fellow hares, Cock Radio & Penile Extension to insist that their reputations have been slighted...that tonight’s run was “Run of the Year”  [those echoed-voices in the night chime in at this point with “bullshit!’]  He proclaims that they were sabotaged by the Monday Hash, and brings in one of their derelict members, Cherry Picker to take some abuse on behalf of Monday.  The reason for the derelict designation was that Cherry Picker was seen running through just such a derelict building on tonight’s run.

Cherry Picker, in an obvious retaliatory mood, charges Cock Radio with breaking tradition (not a rule) by starting the Hash at 5:30 instead of 6:00 as is our tradition. Cock Radio is given the traditional down-down.

The GM invites Corney Linguist to join him.  Corney has announced he is leaving, so he is given a well deserved “fuck off”.

Finally, the Grand Mistress awards the Beer Boys for service above and beyond the call of duty - for working on a national holiday. 

The circle closes.

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