Run Report by Captain Red Arrow

Preface 

The scribe made a great effort to get to this run....at the call for prayer, he rose with immense difficulty at 0430 hrs, jumped still half asleep on the back of a motorbike - ojek -, caught the earliest bus at 0530 and headed for the big shit hole called Jakarta....Arriving there and now in daylight, he jumped on a taxi to the airport.....  - Why all this bother??  The last time he drove to the airport it took four hours and was last one to board... 

Garuda as oft times as not, was this time on time and the scribe finally arrived later on in Singapore at the Istana Hamilton to be greeted by Saliva....from whom the first words were “The hash is at Sembawang...we are leaving at 1645 and you are the Scribe” Thanks a lot..." By the way the 2 Bagless Scots are the hares for the run so it is more than likely going to be a Hash Shit." Saliva added.

We set off to pick up Aye Aye with Saliva at the wheel...  "Do not talk when I am driving!!  You’ ve made me take the wrong turn " as the scribe and Aye Aye catch up on news...With both passengers now tight lipped, Saliva negotiated the rush hour traffic and proceeded to the quiet and spacious Sembawang area to find the beer truck in a fairly sheltered and secluded car park.  In fact Pam Carter reminded the scribe that this is the location of long time hasher Anna Cooke’s house.  The scribe once won a haggis there - many moons ago - sadly the house - and the haggis - are both gone....  

The Run

Hash Master Cock Radio gathered the pack around explaining that the run had been set in 2 halves, one half by each of the hares, but that the second hare had not returned, ,...and that there was a good half and a bad half....and since the two Scots had laid the run,  there was a very high probability that the  two halves would not join in the middle ... Was that why we were missing one of the Bagless Scots...it was the elder one ...he’s big enough to know better.  Och aye!!

The cool overcast weather looked favourable for the run as the pack set off and no sooner had the pack spread out into the runners and the strollers - is this hash getting old as well? - did the front runners hit the first check...the great equalizer...Finally the run set off to the left which was to be the order for the day...that is before the hares led the pack onto a 'merry go round'  figure of 8....”Ye must be jokin' Jimmy!! “This was no joke read on...  

The scribe and Aye Aye unsurprisingly find themselves at the end of the pack now being passed only by the late arrivals and continue heading West along Admiralty Road East - past the first drink stop at the Crab House.  On we ran - strolled - to the canal and it was there that once again the real hashers were separated from the strollers....but not without good reason....should we say that the sensible hashers were separated from the senseless??

In the great wisdom of the hares where did they lead the pack??  "Och no, yer' no takin' us there Jimmy!!” “Is this no the rain season ??”  Och Aye !!  Despite the ominous clouds, our intrepid hares were not to be discouraged by the threat of rain so the paper was laid across the canal ....It was by now plain to see the tail end of the front runners struggling in their brave attempt to cross the canal, down a treacherous bank, across 20 m width of flowing water up to their oxters, and up the bank on the other side.  

But the two Scots hares, both so called engineers, had installed some guide ropes with the help of a Monday hasher...would this be a test of the once supreme Scots Engineering ?..was this another Forth Bridge or could it be the Tay Bridge - that fell in the river one stormy night many moons ago – would this engineering effort damage the Scots reputation in the way that the RBS destroyed international confidence in the Scots Banking system  three years ago ??  Read on!!

As it happened our two Scots Engineers had provided two ropes, one across the full width of the canal and the other for the bank comprising a yellow knotted rope with the idea that you could grip the knots on descending the bank... these knots were well devised except that by the time they had put the knots in the rope, it was now a lot shorter than it needed to be but the most important knot tying the rope to the railing was doomed to fail as Machine, Slack Arse, and Coo Chi Coo will attest...Machine was the first victim to be catapulted into the water, followed by the others on top of him....or could this have been a deliberate ploy ? Would that not just be giving too much credit to the hares??

By the time the scribe and Aye Aye arrived on this scene, Blood Shit was in charge of the knotted rope, pretending to fish with the rope which could still not reach the water and with Big Ed – Jakarta’s best answer to Buddy Holly - pretending to stand by, but who was more intent on musing to himself and throwing nuts at a Coca Cola can floating down the canal.

Ray Ang was pacing up on down the canal side waiting for the front runners to reappear and cross the canal yet again “  Nae Again... Och Aye !”  They were going to cross the canal yet again! As if if once was not enough... A group of spectators including Serene, Saliva and Clarice  were not to be disappointed when none other than the Hash Master, the RH Cock Radio appeared well in front followed by Coo Chi Coo and Big....among the others were Stan the Man and Tony Martin all making a major effort it has to be said... The Hash Master confessed that he had X ray eyes and had spotted distant paper at the first check after crossing the canal the first time...Like a good hash master, did he call On On...he says he did but clearly nobody heard it !!

Undaunted by all this excitement, and now having an inkling as to the direction of the run, the Scribe and Aye Aye continued down the canal to drink stop no. 2 at the Barrel Tree and then via the beach came across paper and a hash group clearly off paper led by none other than Stan the Man...still putting a good face on things despite the confusion...

Amazed at their good fortune that they were still with the pack, the scribe and Aye Aye continue along Jln Inggu past the Istana Bloodshit and  on to drink stop No. 3 at the Buckaroo...nice beer again then on in to the beer truck just before the fall of darkness...

In conclusion, it was a most entertaining afternoon, despite the hares lack of Boy Scout skills and the fact that the run was a Figure of Eight, the location was very quiet, both shaded by tall tees and with spacious areas, not to mention the three conveniently positioned drink stops ...it would have to be a good run...especially since the scribe is also a Scot.

Circle Report by Herr Zipp

The circle was called to order by the GM at 8:03 PM.  Belcher was designated as the epicentre, but was soon replaced by a cardboard box.  Calls of “form a circle” were roundly ignored.  In due course a quasi-circle emerged.

The hares, Bagless and Bagless 2.0, were called into the circle.  The run was described by Bagless 2.0 at the start of the run as being “half nice” and “half not so nice”.  The GM wanted to know where the nice half was.  Circle’s verdict: Good run!  What about the on-on?  We are told that it is onsite, catered by The Boxers “International spread” comprised of Scottish leak-y soup, unpronounceable salad, Scottish risotto, Highlands salmon and chicken a-la-haggis.  Price: $12 complaints were referred to www.getalife.com.

Administrivia

Next week’s run will be #1502 and will be at 6PM on Friday night. The mystery hare(s) and mystery location were not divulged.

GM made a public service announcement to the effect that hares are needed for the April 1^st run, however no fool stepped forward.

Next, the virgins, Irene and Joshua, were invited into the circle.   Irene was made to come by Topless and Joshua by Running Shit.

The visitors, Sex Change, Mother’s Tongue, Jeannine and Ed, and, our sole returnee, Captain Red Arrow were brought in together.   This was done so Capt. Red Arrow wouldn’t have to drink alone – how considerate.  The circle mellifluously? intoned that despite them being fookin’ useless, they were born beautiful.

Hare whip – Bagless

Calls in Bagless 2 and charges him with screwing up the menu (?), for which he is given a down-down.

Then calls for Poser to come into the circle; however Poser is not to be found.  Tiger Lily is then brought in briefly as a look-alike.  When Astronut is spotted lurking at the perimeter of the circle he is brought in and Tiger Lily is dismissed.   A reference is made to the Chief Justice’s recent book on lawyer etiquette, and points out that tardiness is a no-no. Astronut is chastised for coming late; the excuse was that it was Poser’s fault.  

Hare whip – Bagless 2

Proclaims that modesty has hit a new high. He brings in Blood Shit and Totally Unacceptable.  These two were deputised to arrange the ropes at the canal crossing. This important task, aimed at securing the safety of the wading hashers, required these two brave sailors to schlep two miles carrying the rope (actually not much more than green string) and the yellow safety cord which was obviously stolen from a construction site on the way to the hash. The yellow cord apparently came unhitched when actually put to use (note: Totally Unacceptable wanted the record to show that the knot was a bowline and not a hitch, so I guess that the yellow cord became un-bowlined.)  For their modesty in performing such an unselfish task, they are given a down-down.

The GM Speaks

The GM reminded all that last week marked the 1500^th run. He stated that LCHHH began in 1984, and was quickly and loudly corrected – it began in 1982 (less Orwellian).   From its inception it took five years for the committee to create the very important position of Hash Brew.  What were they thinking?   Historical research unearthed the fact that the very first LCHHH Hash Brew was none other than Jig-a-Jig. This occurred during the reign of “Mr.” Coo Chi Coo himself. Later, Bagless (the original) was hash brew. At this point the GM compared this rather sorry history of male Hash Brews to our current vastly improved Hash Brew, the lovely Dog Mount.  To reinforce the point that the current state of affairs has advanced both Dog Mount and Bagless (the original) were brought into the circle. To make the comparison fair, Bagless was provided a make shift kilt compliments of haberdash.  The stunning Dog Mount, in her glittering apron, clearly proves that Coo Chi Coo missed the boat.  A down-down ensued.

Mystery Whip – Loose Change

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Asked the hares to join her in the circle. She referred to the “lovely” yellow rope that the hares provided.  She then invited Slack Arse to come in.   The three chargees were then arranged with Slack Arse in the middle.  Apparently all three were on the rope together, certainly in violation of some Singapore regulation. And unfortunate Slack Arse was caught between Happy & Grumpy, with no Snow White in sight.  Down-Down.

Bagless (first edition) was asked to remain in the circle.  When asked near the canal which was the quickest way back.  He responded: “Ye Cannae go home yet, Lass.”  [This is obviously a quote from Robbie Burns.]  But he’s the meanest...

Next called in Sex Change. who has moved to Australia and taken up the position of Professor of Chickens [R&D for KFC?] Doing his best rooster strut, Sex Change demonstrates his professorial talents [not to be confused with Chuck Berry’s duck walk, or Michael Jackson’s moon walk.]  But being a chicken teacher is not what Sex Change is charged with.  He now belongs to a hash in Australia where none of the members are under 60 years old.  Since he has come from Singapore, and this is considered by his hash mates to be almost the Mother Hash, the youthful Sex Change with the Mother Hash credentials is now the cockerel of the hash. Finger lickin’ good if you ask me.

Loose Change then reached into her pants and pulled out somebody’s balls.  Stiffy is hauled in to explain why he was throwing these balls at the canal-wading hashers, certainly a chargeable offence.  No one should be caught balling hashers – a publicly pissable crime.

One last charge: Razor has been spotted by the fashion police – he is wearing a tighty-whitey T-shirt, a little number he no doubt found in his attic in a box marked “kid’s clothes”. The T-shirt is described by Loose Change as a faulty wrestling vest designed to show off his Pecs.  Down-down.

The GM Speaks Again

The GM once again takes control (?) of the circle and calls in Blood Shit.  Stiffy should not be the only one charged with hasher abuse since Blood Shit was also hurling little brown turds at the waders.  He is accused of being a pisspot or some such…

Circle Spins Out Of Control

In a blatant out-of-order move, Pubic Zipp jumps into the circle to make a totally uncalled for and totally groundless charge at yours truly, scribe-for-the-night, Herr Zipp. She wants to know whose idea was it to throw the balls in the first place.  In a kind of J’accuse, finger-pointing way Pubic Zipp tries to suggest that this was not a good idea.   Not a good idea?  You must be kidding – it was brilliant.  I got a down-down - how bad is that?

The Hasher Formerly Known As Ed

“*”  Remember the asterisk inserted above, and noted to “see below”, well here it is.  Grand Mattress calls Ed into the circle.  Earlier in the circle, 21 minutes into the circle to be precise, Grand Mattress asked the age-old question “What time is it?”   Ed, taking what is meant to be a rhetorical question literally, then responded: “8:24”.   The GM then solicits an appropriate hash name for soon-to-be-formerly-known-as Ed.  An orderly vote is taken, and from henceforth (nice legal term) this hasher will be known as “8:24”.  It is pointed out that he will now be part of 11’s hash family comprised of numbers.

Mystery Mystery Whip – Bloodshit

Begins by stating that the human animal is an amazing creature. We do stupid things, he says, and sometimes even insane things. To prove this theorem Blood Shit has chosen three examples of varying degrees of stupid.  The first example is the hasher who was observed running along the canal, and despite seeing other hashers crossing the canal using the “safety” rope, he chose to enter the canal some 200 meters before the rope. Cock Radio is charged with being a bit silly.

The second example has to do with shoes. What do we run in?  Answer: Running shoes.  What do Pubic Zipp and Jackoff run in? Answer: Silly little “suck my toes” shoes.

And now for something completely insane we have example three. A common definition of insanity is repeating the same behaviour over and over and expecting to get a different result. The newly engaged couple, Wet Patch and Shoeshopper, are called in. Blood Shit confesses that he really didn’t mean it, and wishes the happy duo good results.

The GM Speaks Yet Again

Wet Patch and Shoeshopper are summoned back to the circle. Cock Radio points out that last week this pair hijacked the 1500^th run as their engagement party. This week they used the occasion to have their engagement photo taken. Unfortunately, the photographer was a traffic policeman. Seems the impetuous ones tried to skirt the rather heavy traffic on Lentor Ave and illegally shifted over to the to use the fire lane. The photo and a citation will be forthcoming. Yet another publicly pissed on event.

Calls in Ripper.  Seems that Ripper also had his photo taken, we hope that in addition to capturing his motorcycle registration number the photo will show his winning smile.

Prick of the week – take your prick from above!

AOB

Slocum calls in Stiffy.  Stiffy has been practicing for a new career as a salesman, working as assistant haberdash.  However, he’s going about it all wrong by trying to sell Monday Hash shirts to LCHHH.  What a lousy salesman!

Shoeshopper brings in Iron Crotch.  Shoeshopper is amazed at the number of layers of clothes that Iron Crotch is wearing.  I’m so cold…so-o-o-o cold is the defence.  But, she says, drinking wine warms me up, and the more I drink the more the clothes come off. She is encouraged by the crowd to keep drinking.

Stash brings the hares back in.  With reference to the ropes, asking what profession do the hares pursue?  Engineering is the reply.  So we have two engineers, one yellow rope and the unfortunate Machine who, when trying to manoeuvre down the side of the canal, came down crashing as the rope came undone. Certainly not ISO 9000 certified.

Totally Unacceptable lives up to his hash name by entering the circle uninvited by the GM.  He claims to be an engineer and is probably the one responsible for Machine’s mishap.  He is given three consecutive down-downs for disrespecting the GM.

Coo Chi Coo calls Cock Radio into the circle stating CR failed his Australian history exam, he couldn’t answer the question: “Name a famous aboriginal.” Tonight he also failed his rope climbing exam. CCC demonstrated the proper hand-over-hand method. CR was using the “through the crotch” method which when tension on the rope is applied by CCC following him, painful rope burns ensue.

Calls DIY as CCC was to run in the Urbanathlon, but couldn’t go. He gave his number to DIY. Last year his time was very respectable, so the expectation was that this year’s result by the athletic DIY would be a fantastic improvement. Not so.

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Captain Red Arrow makes an announcement about the anniversary hash of the Jakarta Hash House Harriers coming on April 8-11 - several events from Friday to Monday. All are cordially invited to join.

Shoeshopper calls Razor into the circle. It seems that Razor became upset with Shoeshopper and Totally Unacceptable during the run as they were short cutting. telling them that short cutting was against the “rules”. Shoeshopper pointed out what the real rules are. Rule #1: No puffters, Rule #2: the whip is always right, Rule #3: If the whip is wrong, see rule #2.  Actually there are no rules.

Jackoff asks Sex Change, Circle Jerk, Hugh (no hash name), and Razor into the circle.  They are lined up.  She asks what do all have in common except for Razor.  Three of these hashers are wearing T-shirts that go below their waists.  No so for Razor, whose shirt barely covers his navel is charged with wearing his wife’s shirt.

1500 Run Accolade Report by Wankie Pooh

The 1500th Run Committee have all worked hard to make the event on Saturday a great deal of fun, clockwork efficient and value for money. As co-ordinator of the team I would like to draw attention to all the hard work of each member of the team:

1. The T-shirt sponsor - who backed his passion with his wallet - once again the Mad Chinaman and BMC stepped up to sponsor the T-shirts.

2.The Hares - Machine, Strapless, G-string and Chicken Shit - they made clear plans early - only to come back after the big storm to find most of the big trees floored - so a huge amount of work was needed the week before the event to re-recci and find a new way through.  Then there was the huge down pour at 3pm and much of the trail was washed out. So all four hares swept the run and held the pack together, despite being still soaked to the skin. Valiant and tough - an amazing team who still kept smiling whatever the challenge!

3. The Run-site and On-on at Orchidville was set up by Wonton and Deepthroat. Negotiating the early use of the carpark, the covered registration area, a beautiful room, plenty of food and grog. Orchidville was a great place to hold this event and their staff efficient and well organised. Our team sourced and supported the DJ - who managed to dig out plenty of "old fart" music which kept everyone on the dance floor. Despite exhaustion, they were there to the end and supervised the closing and paying of our bills.

4. The Registration was single handedly managed by Quickie - every one of the 155 members and visitors registered through her. Monday hashers were harangued by Comes Quietly. Handling money, T-shirt sizes and registration lists. Every week for several months before - she was there at many of the Singapore Chapters runs, steadily and efficiently gathering the amazing crowd that made our celebration something to be remembered!

5. Poncho and T-shirts - The sourcing, negociating and supervision of our giveaways were all handled by Chickenshit. We explored a wide range of giveaways before making final decisions.

6. On the Day Registration team was co-ordinated by Dominator - taking all the T-shirts and labelling each one before hand, struggling with the down pour just as registration was opening, never the less managed to have a smooth and easy registration and handing out of giveaways. Her team included Big Head, Deepthoat, Pin Ball Wizard, (even Reciprocunt was seen digging in the T-shirt box looking to help out),Iron Crotch, Double Back, Not Tonight (who stood out in the rain at the entrance), Cumpuss....and in the confusion others helped out too.

7. The budgeting and accounting was all handled by Impossible - who constantly monitored our balance and expenses.

8. The Circle where we could hear the specially selected loud voiced whips (Shaggy Dick Too, Wet Patch, Shoe Shopper and Ugly Bum)..... thanks to Cock Radio

9. Hash Brew - Dog Mount and her merry band of beer pourers - kept the circle well lubricated.

10. The Haberdash - bargain bonanza - thanks to Eleven, Wonton and Saliva for setting it all up and on the day supported by Loose Change and others.

11. My mentors who convinced me that despite a very long history of being very disoranised (ask Chastity Belt!) I could co-ordinate this team and how - Little John, Running Shit and Peeking Ong.

It was a pleasure to work with this wonderful team of hashers - committed, reliable and fun!

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