Run No: 1123
When: 27th February 04
Where: Changi Sailing Club
Occasion: The Hair Show Run
Hares: Whinger and Temporay Erection
Hare Whip: Temporay Erection
Mystery Whip: Sex Pit
Mystery2 Whip: CooChiCoo
On-On: Changi Sailing Club
Next Week’s Hares: Cums in Turd
The names and stories used in the accompanying text may be purely fictitious - the product of lost circle notes, the authors whim/grudge/affection, or just too much beer. Any similarity to real persons or events should be considered purely coincidental, even when the fictitious person's father, mother, brothers, sisters, dogs and cats are revealed by name, date of birth, and significant deformity.
“Ok Stiffy before you ask Ya Fouckin Eejit it’s at the end”
On In Grandmaster Aye Aye:
§ On in hares Whinger and Temporary Erection, “What did ye all think of tonight’s run” Too short, not enough paper, not enough markings, tough circle check too tough to break, Bunch of Cheapskates. (Jasus there isn’t a sinner here, bet the plug will be pulled early on this circle, you know break even at all costs) Good run, Mind you Whinger hung her better half out in her best Posh Spice accent "I told him to do it the right way, but he insisted on doing it the wrong way".
§ Next weeks Hares: No Hare here, turns out he is on a Clandestine mission to Cambodia, nobody told him the oppressive regime is gone over 20 years. It must have been some real top-secret stuff as he told all his Irish mates he was going somewhere else (Mums the word).
§ Virgins: Matthew (says he works as a full time agent at a think tank at #6 Nassim Rd, what bull shit, I live at #11and #6 is just a run-down Black & White. He reminds me of the famous TV game show presenter Chuck Barris back in the seventies from The States, you know the guy who said he was an assassin and killed 50 Dignitaries in eastern Europe during the Cold war, they made a film about it “Confessions of a Dangerous Minds”. Give him a Double Agent Note
§ Visitors: Trevor, John, Steve & Mike give them a note.
(Oh Good CCC is back, looks like our little heart to heart worked well last week and he is ready to face the world again. I just hope he doesn’t mention the bike race no that would be embarrassing for all concerned)
§ Returnees: Big Hammer, Mini Hammer, Bagless and Pat, give them a note
(So now no Kiasu or No Problem for the Drinks counter. This whole thing with Kiasu is getting very worrying; I just hope he isn’t locked up or anything of the sort)
On In Hare Whip: Temporary Erection
§ On In Grandmaster so it’s the first time he has ever found the trail and then been caught at a T check in 30 years (mind you the trail was across a main road about 500 Meters for the circle check, turns out our Grandmaster was taking a short cut home when he stumbled on it totally by chance. Give him a note.
§ On in Bo for complaining about the lack of “Flour Power” on the run well it’s a fistful of flour for him as though he wasn’t grey enough already? (So now Bo is crawling across with his new found floured up hair do a dynamic Hash mark) Give him a note.
(I’ve just spotted Pussy Lifter sprinting back toward his MASSIVE jeep, looks like he’s getting a chair out of it, whatever for? I continue scribbling when suddenly I get a pat on the back, “Phone sex Phone sex a chair for your tired bones,” well maybe just maybe he did get lucky with the “Big White Beoir” last week? All this bad press must be doing his alter ego some good)
Now it’s time for the mystery whip (so what’s dickless doing in the circle he wasn’t even at the run, I didn’t recognise him at first with his Shirt On, he is obviously out of training for some time)
On in the real mystery Whip Sex Pit:
§ Turns out that during the run that Not Tonight asked her for a name change on the run, now that she was getting so much “Box Bate Off Her” that it would be more appropriate if she was called Sex Pit and Sex Pit was called Not Tonight (Every Night I could live with) and then “The Penny Dropped” with Sex Pit, now she could finally solve her little riddle. So it turns out that about 6 months ago while she was giving the car a much-needed Hash clean out she happened upon a Hash bag and low and amongst Manky sweaty hash cloth she came across a black diary. Now as most diaries do not have the writers name anywhere on it she was at an impasse to discover who the owner of this diary might happen to be. Well it sat on the table for Months and finally her inquisitiveness got the better of her and she picked it up. Holy shit it was riveting stuff, she couldn’t put it down, she read into the small hours that nite. So cut to now and suddenly “The Scribe” (Fouckin Me) am summoned to the circle to read out aloud excerpts from the very said diary (like a town fouckin crier) It went something like this:
"Today we’re celebrating 26 Years of Marriage, but alas he’s crying in the Bathroom he is totally inconsolable. What a super Anniversary!!!
Today he lets me on in on his big big secret; only trouble is it’s a real small secret. He’s Impotent as if I didn’t know already. A woman has needs you know.
This marriage is in serious trouble, thank God for the hash.
Today I took the Bull by the horns so to speak and bought some of this Viagra, tonight I’ll slip some into his supper and see what happens.
Oh my God it’s nine in the morning and he’s just got off me he’s been Riding Me Hard all nite, sheer heaven, it’s like someone turned back the clock 26 years. Thank god for Viagra.
Now it’s beginning to hurt a lot down there and I gave him a double dose in error last nite, my head is in such a spin. The downside of this is I’ll have to miss the hash, I’ll tell the Hash girls my leg is sore again.
Now all the Whiskey and Brandy in the house is missing, I’m being hot-glued to the bed, I’m being banged to death by a sex mad alcoholic, help I wish he was gay. It’s getting real dangerous to turn my back on him, what can I do Help!!!
For the past week I’ve stopped washing or changing my underwear but he keeps coming back for more. I told him to Fouck himself and he did. Ok that’s it, he’s like a black & Decker trying to drill me to death. That’s it I’ll have to do something drastic short of cutting off his Knob.
Today I switched back the Viagra for Prozac, lets see what will happen, and God is good. I need to get my life back and I miss the hash and my friends so much.
Today he has me running wrong, he’s sprawled in front of the TV, farting, belching and stuffing his Cake Hole with a big stupid grin on him. Oh my God this is bliss again. "
“So would the proud owner of this hash bag please step forward?” shouts Sex Pit as she quickly moves around the circle. You can see fear in the eyes of all the over Forty something’s hashers, its like “Russian Roulette” where will it stop. (I can see Big problem averting her gaze to the ground as the hash bag swings past, where will it stop. Five, four, three, two, one, zero, it lands at the feet of Not Tonight so the Riddle is finally solved. On in Not tonight and Stiffy, now also in this little hash bag along with the Diary we found some - yes you’ve guessed it “Exactly Correct” Viagra 50 the Mega Tablet. Give them a note.
ON In Mystery Mystery whip: CCC (he’s back from the bush so to speak, I get this sinking feeling he’s going to make up this story about winning the Bukit Timah mountain bike race, he could be in denial, hopefully not???)
§ “Hi everyone for those who don’t know who I am, I’m CCC of both Mountain bike and Hashing fame. Well two weeks ago I went and won the veteran section of the Bukit Timah trail race, three laps of the Circuit”
(oh shite, he has it bad this denial thing, it must be some sort of medical condition, Liar Liar Pants on Fire is what we call it in Ireland)
Typical signs of Fibbing:.
1) Expand contractions, stressing full-form verbs; such as "did not" and "could not," to convince people they're speaking the truth.
2) Deny lying, making emphatic claims to be telling the truth, such as "I have no reason to lie."
3) Pause and use non-word sounds during hesitations in their speech ("uh," "er" and "ah" are examples).
4) Make speech errors and more frequent gaffes than people who speak the truth. Errors can include grammar, tense and losing thought in mid-sentence.
5) Stutter, stammer and become tongue-tied.
6) Clear their throats and make other noises.
7) Use qualifiers and modifiers, explanatory words, such as "however," "sometimes" and "generally."
8) Avert their gaze, trying to avoid eye contact.
9) Cross their arms as if creating a barrier
10) The lean and shift routine.
Well CCC you have all the traits on this condition it reminds me of Langer Dan Clinton on the stand. So what the Fouck am I doing in the Circle getting a down down for, give Phone sex a note.
(Pussy lifter is real quiet tonight; he is glued to the same spot since the start of the circle, not enough available Skirt here for him tonight)
§ “So I got a form from The Government this week” shouts CCC, it was a questioner about the aged folk living in your house (they really meant CCC but again this is another symptom of his sickness) it went something like this I think? (I lost or Foucked away the questioner he gave me) On in grand master as a representative from The Government
1. How do you rate your confidence that you could get and keep a Boudhain?
2. When you have had Boudhains with Sexual stimulation, how often were you hard enough for Box Bating?
3. Can you maintain your Boudhain after Vessel entry?
4. Can you maintain your Boudhain to completion of box bating?
5. And the final question a real gem: If you are deceased then you don’t need to fill in this form.
Give Aye Aye a note for working for the government.
§ On In Sex Pit: Turns out she kept stopping and thinking and scratching her peroxide head during the run, A Dumb Blonde thinking on the hash, now that’s a first. Give her a note.
§ On In Stash and Astronaut Grand-Mistress & Grand-Master of the Elite Monday hash (not sure which one of them has the Bollix) give them a Discriminatory Note.
§ On In Not tonight: she’s babbling on about all the TV’s they have at home and which one is good for Stiffy. (It’s getting rowdy now and I can’t hear what she’s saying, I think it might be of a Political nature) I think it went like this
I Have a dream Hash Beoir speech:
Over 50 years after it’s founding, the life of The Hash Beoir is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. Over fifty years later the Hash Beoir lives on a lonely Island in the Midst of a vast ocean of Male Hash Prosperity. Fifty years later and the Hash Beoir is still languishing in the corners of Singaporean Society and an exile in her own hash land. So we have come here today to dramatize an appalling condition. We have come here to cash that Hash cheque. When the architects of our hash wrote the magnificent words of their Constitution, they were signing a promissory note to which every Hasher (Beoir or Fein) were to fall heir. This note was a promise that all Hashers (Beoirs and Feins) would be guaranteed the inalienable rights of going on any hash they so choose. It is obvious today that some of the Singapore Hash chapters have defaulted on this Promissory note. Instead of honouring this sacred obligation to our Hash Beoirs they instead have given them a Bad cheque which has come back marked “Insufficient funds” But we Hash Beoirs refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. So we Hash Beoirs have come to cash that cheque, a cheque that will give us on demand access to whatever Hash we so choose to attend. I have a dream that all hashers will one day live as one in a Hash nation where they will not be judged by their Box or Bollix but by the content of their Character. I have a dream today. When they (Hash Feins) let freedom to Hash Beoirs throughout this land ring out then all Hash Beoirs will sing in Unison “Free at Last, free at last, thank God almighty, free at last”
(Holy shite you could hear a pin drop, cut the atmosphere with a knife. Hash Beoirs are crying openly, ashen-faced Hash Feins with heads bowed are trembling in their Rubber dollies)
Give all the Monday and Tuesday Hashers a note. (And give all the Irish FRB’s a special note we’re right behind you sisters, as ye well know exactly what I mean)
With the Gaff in disarray our grandmaster steps in and saves the day with a loud “On On, On On”.
Public Apology: Now we all know that Big problem is not descended from the Hexamethyl-disiloxane family at all, not even one cell of her. (It turns out that she was real mad with me about this accusation in last week’s newsletter and someone was eavesdropping on our heated conversation, when suddenly they reached out and cupped her breasts and uttered the words, “Nah they are real alright” So I apologise profoundly for any pain or mental suffering that erroneous statement in last weeks newsletter may have caused you or your family.
Cheapskate: Miser, ask Stiffy he'd live in your ear.
Isn't a Sinner: Devoid of People
Big White Beoir: Ask 'On Up" or 'Pussy Lifter' or both, but not when they're together they might have conflicting stories.
The Penny Dropped: Figure something out
Manky: real dirty
Town Fouckin Crier: Very loud voice
Cake Hole: Mouth
Riding me Hard: Hard Deep Sexual Intercourse but to a near death like state
Knob: Male Appendage
Liar Liar pants on fire: Compulsive Liar ask CCC
Langer Dan; A Loud Fool
Skirt: Available woman
Box bating: Intercourse
Vessel Entry: Penetration, or the start of it at least
Bollix: Male Appendage
Rubber Dollies: Runners
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